I actually picked up my guitar today. I went over some old songs that I had written about the same time I last posted in here and one that is a bit older. It was kind of bitter sweet from the mood I am in. I highly doubt this will be read by anyone so I might be as straightforward as I can without feeling exposed to random strangers on the net that might see this.
About a year ago I think I came to accept/realize I have depression and anxiety. Somewhere in 2017 I was officially diagnosed. In that time I was exposed to the idea of attachment theory and it all seems kinda fuzzy to me now. I want to look it all up again and see what I can find. It made sense though, it all kinda made sense, and I so desperately wanted a real certified person who knows what they are talking about and has a neutral stance on who I am and who I speak with to have a stab at it all. Before I get more sideways... What made sense was how I keep people away. If you manage to come close, I doubt you can stay there. Mostly, I feel toxic, mostly, I feel vulnerable, mostly... I want to be left alone.
It hurts less to never have my hopes built up. Once you fall from the grace of my hope you stay shut out of my heart for good. You see, flakey people scare me or I am not sure how to best word this, they traumatize me. Sadly, as much as I want to be alone I get easily attached and if you come and go as you please then the less I want to care because every time you leave is a nightmare for my heart even if you are the most faithful person on earth, things change, they always change and unless I have a guarantee then I have nothing to hope for and when you do come around I don't want to leave myself open for that abandonment again.
My father recently passed. I can't say for sure if that is where it all started, his haphazard care for me, mostly if I look back he seemed to be present out of moral obligation. When he moved out, I was 16, he clocked out and guilted me for not constantly knocking on his door.
Time has passed and I still hate constantly knocking on someone's door. I am sure that makes any relationship with ne faulty but absense esp continuted and erratic absence makes me shut down and makes me cut all ties. It leaves very little room for faith or grace. I suppose that is what made what I call God the only thing I had faith in, an omnipresence; it is so easy to tap into the sense of God. Everything that is good, and good is just even if it seems unfair... That seems like a concept that many don't grasp. At some point, I had logical thought trails ti explain. These days it seems best to just accept it for myself. My faith has become isolated where in the past the wisdom (the very limited and flawed wisdom) I felt I had could benefit and bring comfort to anyone of my many companions, people I called friends. I use that term very loosely, I always did. To the general population I would say friend, but in my heart and mind they were someone I invested time in, but kept at a distance, because their actions indicated I should keep them at a distance. The few who transgressed passed that shell I seems to have regret because they are gone.
It used to hurt, I would read a friend is someone who would lay their life down for the sake of another. I feel like a dormat for having "a big heart." My compassion left me open to far too much hurt and abuse. I told a coworker today, I am not a good friend. I will drop you in a second. It seems to be more and more true so much that I barely even make new friends. To be honest thw last real friend I made was a little more than three years ago. That person seems like a stranger now. My greatest friend, if I will be this wreckless with my exposure is a little grey ball of fur with long ears. That makes me sad.
About a year ago I think I came to accept/realize I have depression and anxiety. Somewhere in 2017 I was officially diagnosed. In that time I was exposed to the idea of attachment theory and it all seems kinda fuzzy to me now. I want to look it all up again and see what I can find. It made sense though, it all kinda made sense, and I so desperately wanted a real certified person who knows what they are talking about and has a neutral stance on who I am and who I speak with to have a stab at it all. Before I get more sideways... What made sense was how I keep people away. If you manage to come close, I doubt you can stay there. Mostly, I feel toxic, mostly, I feel vulnerable, mostly... I want to be left alone.
It hurts less to never have my hopes built up. Once you fall from the grace of my hope you stay shut out of my heart for good. You see, flakey people scare me or I am not sure how to best word this, they traumatize me. Sadly, as much as I want to be alone I get easily attached and if you come and go as you please then the less I want to care because every time you leave is a nightmare for my heart even if you are the most faithful person on earth, things change, they always change and unless I have a guarantee then I have nothing to hope for and when you do come around I don't want to leave myself open for that abandonment again.
My father recently passed. I can't say for sure if that is where it all started, his haphazard care for me, mostly if I look back he seemed to be present out of moral obligation. When he moved out, I was 16, he clocked out and guilted me for not constantly knocking on his door.
Time has passed and I still hate constantly knocking on someone's door. I am sure that makes any relationship with ne faulty but absense esp continuted and erratic absence makes me shut down and makes me cut all ties. It leaves very little room for faith or grace. I suppose that is what made what I call God the only thing I had faith in, an omnipresence; it is so easy to tap into the sense of God. Everything that is good, and good is just even if it seems unfair... That seems like a concept that many don't grasp. At some point, I had logical thought trails ti explain. These days it seems best to just accept it for myself. My faith has become isolated where in the past the wisdom (the very limited and flawed wisdom) I felt I had could benefit and bring comfort to anyone of my many companions, people I called friends. I use that term very loosely, I always did. To the general population I would say friend, but in my heart and mind they were someone I invested time in, but kept at a distance, because their actions indicated I should keep them at a distance. The few who transgressed passed that shell I seems to have regret because they are gone.
It used to hurt, I would read a friend is someone who would lay their life down for the sake of another. I feel like a dormat for having "a big heart." My compassion left me open to far too much hurt and abuse. I told a coworker today, I am not a good friend. I will drop you in a second. It seems to be more and more true so much that I barely even make new friends. To be honest thw last real friend I made was a little more than three years ago. That person seems like a stranger now. My greatest friend, if I will be this wreckless with my exposure is a little grey ball of fur with long ears. That makes me sad.
