09.09.15

Hey...
I want to catch your stars
Wash tears from your soul
Anoint your weary feet
Give warmth to your heart

You
Lovely,  you are...
Bold, cunning, will you...
Be unashamed, dear one?
I hear the melody of
Words swollen with life and beauty
Flowing from tender lips...

You
Source of passion and fire,
I dream of gazing into those blazing eyes
Lost in the dark mystery, I delight
Do you feel who I see?
Waiting for rest,
Waiting for home,
Waiting...

Is this real?
Where is the road headed? Am I drunk on joy...
You're intoxicating, but I am too much,
No one can handle me, but can I be your keeper?
Stand back,  look away, fragile treasures,
I cannot be trusted,
Especially with this...
With...

You
Friend,  I never think you'll stick around,
Friend,  I never think I'm worth it (whatever it is),
Friend,  I am not enough,
And I can't have nice things
But you I cherish, somehow odd

Voices say you're toxic;
You're worth the risk.
I will bear it, to find you.
I see your life and wonder,
Creating light and essence,  another breath
I'll tell you to your face.
Love breathes and longs to live in you.

You are worth more than flesh and blood
Worth every word lived
Beyond time I see you,
Holding me on sleepless nights,
That's the
You
I see...
Reminding me  what I am made of
Reminding me of tendeness...

I long to give anything you desire
To fulfill need,
To nurse your broken wings...
What have I to offer?

You
I will breath out the last of my life
To keep the air in your lungs,
To keep you strong when weak,
Too keep hope in your heart
         And joy on your mind...

September, and Another Year, The Drawbridge Returns

I really wish I were a bird. Being sick to my stomach and missing work right now I could think about how to make up the missing money, more missing money, and less food for yet another X amount of time. Instead I am thinking of the past eight months, the last year, and what as of last night was officially wasted time. I hate writing like this, except there is no other way for me to get this out. My intuition seems to be stronger than I think. I always call it pessimism,  but I am more optimistic than I want to believe. I expect my thoughts and heart to be wrong, then when they aren't I am angry, hurt, and disgusted, and mostly at myself. I don't trust people easily, especially my own judgment of the characters of those I meet. I think, maybe he's not superficial and egotistical, yet it ends that they are, and though I dream of God nurturing a better person, or hope that He already has, in the end I am wrong. I think, she seems insipid, lacks a heart, and depth of compassion,  but it must just be the surface, it must just be a thought,  a bias, jealousy,  pride, whatever etc, then, once again, I was wrong. I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt, since I am so broken, I am so shitty (I have no better words in my current state of mind) I assume there is goodness behind the eyes of all humans I find. Against my heart, I sometimes choose to commit to them, knowing love is a choice when it comes to humans since we have separated ourselves from it. I expect to dig deep, and find that blossom that needs air, water, light and that no matter how well or ill acquainted one is with love, more love cannot be wrong, why should it be so? If God is love, then committing and deciding to love, is giving God. Most of the time humans, both in and out of the church (meaning the Body of the Christ who I believe came we to teach love, how to love) choose to deny love to certain people for whatever reason. They deny time, and knowledge, they deny compassion and commitment,  they deny relationship and in this Western society I am caught up in, it is always because of some agenda. I can tolerate such actions in a business, a world that is dedicated and sustained by money to produce money, but I refuse to tolerate this in the Body of love, the church, Christ incarnate. It saddens me, and angers me to the point of sobbing that because of strange politics and systems and algorithms that the Body would choose to refuse love, to anyone, and continually fail at loving and instead of committing past the failure,  call it what it is and grow from the wound instead they cut ties and call it something else. It saddens me most that a year has passed and I find myself writing about the same thing. There is this belief that loving the body of Christ is wasted time, if that is the only love you give, granted, it is sad and I add you are not truly loving anything if you only love yourself (the Body). If we as the body are a tree, each branch is fed from the vine, yet there is light that comes from outside of the vine, as branches we are intertwined,  one blood and heart, and send this light through one another to be reconstructed by the vine, the roots as food which sustains the branches. That same energy is transferred when we die to feed an animal. A branch or a leaf alone dies, there is no tree, there is no connection to the vine, there is no where to transfer the energy from the light. That being said if you expect the love deprived to love those unacquainted with love we are just wasting our time. A leaf which doesn't receive nutrients from the vine soon becomes yellow, wilted dry and frail, it no longer efficiently absorbs light for photosynthesis, its purpose is dead, and it falls off, but it is rarely because there is too close to the vine if ever. If we expect every part of the Body to be a leaf, we are all cut off and dead, think of autumn the trees that lose their leaves. The Body has many parts,  we cannot all be on the fringes, we are isolated and dismembered, if that is the case, we become a gas, and more of a vapor than water, too close we become ice. Both extremes are not absent of any use but both require a longer process to quench thirst. I wish I were a bird, fully within a flock, flying as one, each taking a moment to lead,  each spreading seeds by simply living and being a bird that eats and enjoys fruit and seeds and insects. Alas, I am a human surrounded by those who refuse the give and take of love in a society that thinks a pattern or system can reproduce what God has designed in all other organisms and the ecosystem,  which, oddly enough our adversity to living like it is killing it as well.