A Lot of Words

I haven't had much to say lately. For the past few months life has seemed like an endless line of pain, I suppose, either mine or that of countless others. It seems I have a separated shoulder, and I can't afford to fix it, physical therapy,  missing more work... countless obstacles I cannot name at once. It makes me wonder how many people are in pain because of a maze of issues they can't get past or because they are far, isolated,  forgotten,  unseen, much like systems that silently and invisibly hurt people go unchecked. I wonder if people truly want to know one another, and know the struggles of the humans they encounter, or if they are caught up in their own suffering and anger so much that they would pass a dying child without a flinch or thought.

I haven't had a lot to say because I wonder, seriously and gravely wonder, if I have anything worth saying. A past me would've said something like, everyone has something to say something meaningful to someone. However, if the person meant to hear it never does, what good is it to say anything? I have seen how I have no audience, and I don't want to self promote because something in me feels it's wrong. I feel like force feeding my ideas to someone is wrong. I think to myself, those who are communicating effectively are being sought out, they are being asked questions, simply because of merit. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I am right, and it is those who are leading and loving an audience who have the most poignant things to say, the deepest most moving things to say, the most honoring and uplifting things to say, the most convicting and loving things to say.

So again with those who are cut off, isolated,  unseen and forgotten, what  if they have no voice becuase no one is listening,  not because there's nothing to be said. Then there are those who who do have influence, and have a huge audience yet they have no love for them. In these past few months I have seen countless words come across a screen with no regard to the recipient. Drive the agenda; whatever heats the blood enough to break the silence, but not enough love, mercy, compassion, or understanding to care if the person on the other end was respected enough, or even thought of as human enough to be able to listen. Are we communicators more concerned with words than flesh and blood? If my argument is, in my mind, the best, but is only accessible to one who is of my context what good have I done? Arguing for the sake of arguing has always seemed like a dead end, yet when it is on social media we forget that the person reading our words is worthy of love,  forgiveness,  and compassion,  and mercy. Actually,  I have seen this in person as well, our pride is so swollen from whatever it is that's in our mind that we are talking to walls, but those walls have feelings,  and they are another living person.

Why do we struggle so much to be heard? Do half of us know how to listen? I have said things over and over and it is as if they were never said. I wonder if I just don't know how to write, but that's not the case. A lot of times I have seen it happen outside of myself,  words that were never said being added by someone's mind, words that were said being completely ignored, all for the sake of saying what is desired and not saying something to connect with another human being.

So I stopped wanting to write,  as much as I love it, because I don't want to impose myself on others. I want to be asked, and speak into what needs words not what I think should be said, but then that's tricky too. What if no one knows it needs to be said besides me? I have not enjoyed this blog because it is just talking to a wall. As a young lady, who does videos on YouTube named Jenna Marbles, once said about what she does, the point is to connect with people. It's not about fame or being known,  but to know another person. I think that's what makes internet media revolutionary,  and special. Both sides can have a conversation,  and interaction,  an exchange and not have to be limited physically.  I could have the same exchange with someone across the earth who I have never met or someone I see every Sunday, but the joy is the back and forth, connecting with people. Anyway, just some thoughts,  feel free to actually give real feed back or even talk, but who actually talks these days?