It took my mom pushing me for me to commit to caring for a bunny. Even though I have dreamed of having one for years, as things got more tangible, the only thought on my heart was, "I will kill it."
Why? Why would that be the only thing taking over my heart? Well, I am overwhelmingly used to killing things, and half of these ideas are false, but there is a dark truth in these thoughts as well. Keep myself alive, unscathed, whole (in my own definition) are the motives I face. I want to preserve myself beyond anything, as if God isn't my keeper, the one who plans what is ahead of me, and who heals what's behind me, in me. That selfish fear is the death in me. I surely deny these motives, seeing as how I sometimes think the world is better without me in the equation. That's the false half. Somewhere I assume my actions are always vicious, or maybe useless because I know the depths of my sin.
Perhaps we all fight that thought. I am no good, so what I do is no good, but God is in us, whether we deny His very existence, we are made in His image, and He uses us for good, and love, and life. How much more can He use us if we commit to bringing good, love, and life into the world, and to let Him deal with the darkness in us? Truth be told, I am my worst enemy. So as I looked at the thought of caring for the life of another, especially one who cannot defend against my evil, I was paralyzed. Surely no good could come of this. Surely only death and abuse could be the result. Yet, someone knew more than me, Mom knew, others maybe knew, how I am designed to love. Why can I not accept this?
I see my own evil heart and weep inwardly, yet when I see others mourning their sin it is so easy to place God's truth for them as the
only viable option. Why not accept it for me? That is probably a moment I can say I need others. I need the same folks I am too scared to love, not because I don't want to be hurt, but because I expect only death to come of it. I expect only death to come from me. I faced God with these thoughts for the past few weeks, maybe more. I asked "why am I such a snake, poison to all I touch? Why not just lock me away where I cannot hurt anyone?" Not only that, we also discussed, "I only talk to hear myself and think I'm so intelligent, why not just keep me from doing that too?" Oddly enough, I wrote up a post to end all posts, saying good-bye to this part of me which I love so very much. I couldn't really tell you why besides thinking I am arrogant to think anyone would ever read this with out me shoving it down someone's throat, and if they did read it on their own or otherwise... Well let's just say I don't think it would make any difference either way.
That being said, God seems to ignore me when I am all crazy talk, or really, this is when I refuse to listen, because His truth never ceases. Where does this sort of thinking come from? I do not doubt it is something we are all tempted to believe it in our darkest moments. We may think our sin is uncontrollable. The truth is, it is conquered. The law is fulfilled. Death has lost its sting. Do we, as children of Christ, truly believe it? Do you, in your depths, see any hope for yourself? Can you hear that sweet love song from Him? Can you believe it? Can you trust it? Can you, day after day, remember freedom? Do you remember the truth as it quietly hums beneath the surface of all your mistakes and all your triumphs, driving all your hopes and dreams, slaying all your shortcomings making you new?
New forgiveness every morning, with each new breath, with each new step, grace and mercy for each and every drop of death we still carry, these are gifts given to us in Christ. Wholeness, we receive, for every scar left in us, and those we leave in others. Surely He is capable of freely giving these things. He does give us these things. Freely they are given to me and (oddly and thankfully) I see myself readily willing give it away, except to myself. Me, I don't deem worthy of grace or truth, or renewal.
Then a few weeks ago, a little over a month ago, a tiny bunny came into my life, sweetest thing ever, and hurt and broken like me, yet braver than I in trusting, trusting me, sinful broken me. So it hits me now. If I can readily see beauty in all that is around me, broken or not, and this innocent yet intelligent creature can see goodness in me enough to trust and wait for me to love her, why can't I trust myself to love? Surely, she's not struck in fear and terror of me, but I am. I see the evil I have dealt to those I hold dear and I tremble, I shut down, I want to run. I want to get as far away from everything and everyone I can before it's too late. Lord, help us to love fearlessly, knowing our sin is not stronger than love! Knowing Jesus is so much greater than everywhere we fall short.
There is the residence of beauty, right there, in
your heart, friend, in my heart. What is truly beautiful if not broken and weak lives that are reaching to the God of all things made? With as much as we can offer in our alabaster jars, our love is fragrant to Him and wanted by Him.
He seeks to love you, to be loved by you, to love through you, and He already has, even if you don't see it, even if you broke a few things on the way. Even if you weren't so shiny and grand in the past, and are still lacking now, beauty resides in your bones, truth abides in your heart, love is molding your mind, and life is the strength your body leans on, Christ is alive in you. Fear not, live and love to the best of your ability, for He is pleased in you. We can only grow further from the dark soil where we were planted and closer to the light that feeds us.
