I promised that my next entry would be a testimony, I think I did anyway... If I did, I am breaking that "promise," though I don't remember promising that at all. Not that there's someone to hold me accountable, ha ha. Tonight I am feeling the need to flee to a solitary place, though I still don't want to be silent, or I mean, uncommunicative. I want to say something though I don't know what it is I am to say.

These past few days have felt like a mental blur, I feel unable to speak, unable to say anything, voiceless. Though recently I was told by God that I am not voiceless, that He gave me a voice for a very overlooked heart of society, that of the artist, of the musician, the creative one who does not want to create to be known. Well, maybe it's not all that romantic, maybe I just want it to be. I mean, I feel very much that I keep seeing familiar things around me, in the heart of those who I see suffering as "outsiders," those who feel no one identifies with them. I don't even know if I am making sense, everything I say right now feels like it makes no sense, and I feel I am simply writing here to get something out of me, something out so that God can pour into me instead of whatever this mess is.

I keep hearing bridges and echos, yet today, or for the last couple of days, I guess since Friday, I feel I am the one echoing myself. Same old issue, new face... I am tired of it. I don't want to deal with it... I don't want to deal with my thoughts because they always seem to come back, but maybe that is why they echo. Maybe it's because all I ever do is push things under a rug and ignore them. That is what God has been showing me anyway, I think it is. I have felt very much alone these days... very much in a need for the shedding of tears, but very much unable. I feel there is something I am mourning but unable to face. Lord, I want to build a house for you within my heart, within this flesh, but everything feels like it's dying. Maybe it's just me dying, and that would be a good thing, me dying to You. I don't know anything anymore I feel like, ah ha, and I am such a hypocrite. I was just talking to a friend about this... What is really in my mind? What is really taking home in my heart? I must put my eyes on You, but I feel there is a wall that I cannot climb, that I cannot get past.

What is it I am looking for? What is it I am asking for? I have no answers, and I feel nothing was answered with writing this entry... so maybe its point was not fulfilled. Ah ha ha... I just want to be in a hole I suppose. A hole until I can look to God's face and nothing else, yet, that is my escapism coming back isn't it? I wish I did not feel as though I need something wise and glorious to give to the world. I wish I did not feel like I am forgetting to say something, something important. Let's be truthful here, I have nothing paramount special to share with the world, it will not cease to exist if I remain silent. Maybe that's my issue, my pride again, or this sense of responsibility with no sense of having the capacity, or having anything to offer. I am told, I must offer God to the world, that is what I have, but how is my story different from others? It is not different, I have no words to offer with this new found voice. That was always the issue was it not? That is why I wanted to remain silent in singing, in drawing, in writing, in everything. Well, good night all... later days... Good night and I will be the one who reads this later on in my life I suppose.