I promised that my next entry would be a testimony, I think I did anyway... If I did, I am breaking that "promise," though I don't remember promising that at all. Not that there's someone to hold me accountable, ha ha. Tonight I am feeling the need to flee to a solitary place, though I still don't want to be silent, or I mean, uncommunicative. I want to say something though I don't know what it is I am to say.

These past few days have felt like a mental blur, I feel unable to speak, unable to say anything, voiceless. Though recently I was told by God that I am not voiceless, that He gave me a voice for a very overlooked heart of society, that of the artist, of the musician, the creative one who does not want to create to be known. Well, maybe it's not all that romantic, maybe I just want it to be. I mean, I feel very much that I keep seeing familiar things around me, in the heart of those who I see suffering as "outsiders," those who feel no one identifies with them. I don't even know if I am making sense, everything I say right now feels like it makes no sense, and I feel I am simply writing here to get something out of me, something out so that God can pour into me instead of whatever this mess is.

I keep hearing bridges and echos, yet today, or for the last couple of days, I guess since Friday, I feel I am the one echoing myself. Same old issue, new face... I am tired of it. I don't want to deal with it... I don't want to deal with my thoughts because they always seem to come back, but maybe that is why they echo. Maybe it's because all I ever do is push things under a rug and ignore them. That is what God has been showing me anyway, I think it is. I have felt very much alone these days... very much in a need for the shedding of tears, but very much unable. I feel there is something I am mourning but unable to face. Lord, I want to build a house for you within my heart, within this flesh, but everything feels like it's dying. Maybe it's just me dying, and that would be a good thing, me dying to You. I don't know anything anymore I feel like, ah ha, and I am such a hypocrite. I was just talking to a friend about this... What is really in my mind? What is really taking home in my heart? I must put my eyes on You, but I feel there is a wall that I cannot climb, that I cannot get past.

What is it I am looking for? What is it I am asking for? I have no answers, and I feel nothing was answered with writing this entry... so maybe its point was not fulfilled. Ah ha ha... I just want to be in a hole I suppose. A hole until I can look to God's face and nothing else, yet, that is my escapism coming back isn't it? I wish I did not feel as though I need something wise and glorious to give to the world. I wish I did not feel like I am forgetting to say something, something important. Let's be truthful here, I have nothing paramount special to share with the world, it will not cease to exist if I remain silent. Maybe that's my issue, my pride again, or this sense of responsibility with no sense of having the capacity, or having anything to offer. I am told, I must offer God to the world, that is what I have, but how is my story different from others? It is not different, I have no words to offer with this new found voice. That was always the issue was it not? That is why I wanted to remain silent in singing, in drawing, in writing, in everything. Well, good night all... later days... Good night and I will be the one who reads this later on in my life I suppose.

Years Have Past... Past Is Rebirthed

I have realized that I tend to go through stages of writing on this "blog" thing. I always wonder if some weirdo is out there reading it. I laugh at myself thinking of that, and I also laugh at the, I think the correct word is, colloquialisms I use in these things, or slang, what have you. Those silly little shortenings of words that only a few generations will remember the meaning of, not that this will last past generations. I don't think it will anyway.

PS Thank you "spell check"

I miss writing. I miss it a lot actually, and I fear that I have lost my touch, but as a new era of my life seems to be embarking on some new shores of writing, I must try to sharpen my tools, and get hacking away at some wood. I will soon write, I think, a short, or long, knowing me LONG, testimony if you will of my last four years in counting. Part of reading through a few of my old posts on here has, indeed, etched anew the memories of what God has pulled out of my heart. The great thing is that through healing I now look at it without pain and without remorse, unlike previous times. The fact is also true, however, that much time has passed and that may be a part of God's working. Nonetheless, I am still afraid that some things in my present day I am still looking at through my flesh and not through God's light. Still, His mercy is new every morning, He is ever forgiving, and He I am dying to Him daily. I plan to invite some new friends on this new era of writing, to read, if they so wish. I am fearful that the lies and shadows of my past will come to choke me up in their smoke, but I know He concurs all. I can always trust in Jesus, and I am so happy to be where I am now, and not looking to where I was before to define me, but to show me what I am NOT. Okay, new friends, as I invite you to take this journey with me... please share your thoughts, I do cherish the voices of those around me, for they show me the face of God. Much love, and blessings... LATER DAYS!!!